Monday, December 28, 2009

People From Nigeria Want YOU!

So, I am forever getting e-mails from some African government official (Often Nigerian) requesting my help. They always get my e-mail from a close friend, or have "researched" me and find me "trustworthy." Can I please help? The story usually goes like this:

Dear Beloved, My (insert relative, boss, or friend) died and left $(insert number of preference),000,000.00 in US Dollars, but it is being held in an account. You are the only one who can help me! [I feel so special] Just send me your name [how do you know I am trustworthy if you don't know my name? You sure don't do very good research. I'll make sure I don't ask you to write my next history paper.] and your e-mail address [ok, Genius, how did you e-mail me if you don't know my e-mail address?], your phone number, your mailing address...oh, and your bank account number. You will get 10% of this money for being a good Samaritan! May God Bless you!

I am relatively sure it is all the Nigerians' faults. I have noticed Nigerians getting a lot of bad press recently. The Christmas Plane Bomber was apparently Nigerian. The bad guys in the movie "District 9" are Nigerians. I'm pretty sure that some Somali pirates are Nigerian, too. So, it would appear that now we not only have to worry about angry Taliban people, but also Nigerians. Oh, for the good old days when it was us against the Soviets...It was so black and white. Who do you want to win the most medals in the Olympics, Soviets or USA? EASY! USA!

Now, it isn't so easy. I am also partial to the UK, Australia, Canada, Russia, and Romania (I don't really know why I like them...). And I like Japan and China.

If the Taliban entered a team in the Olympics I would loudly BOOOOO whenever they took the field. Also, there is the fair chance that their team members would explode at various times. I can't see that helping them win any gold medals, but it might be good for a laugh:

Announcer Bill: Alright, Tom, this is the Taliban entry for the Ski-Jump. He is aiming to beat 205 meters to qualify. His name is Al Bi Ablasta, he has been skiing since--(shuffle, shuffle)...Ummm, January 3rd.

Announcer Tom: Ahh, really, THIS January Bill?

Announcer Bill: Tom, I can't make this sh-(beep)- up.

Announcer Tom: Well, there he goes, he's stepping onto the ramp, he's waiting for the signal. --(Whisper)Seriously? THIS January?-- Ahh, Bill, he seems to have a strange choice of head gear and clothing on for the ski-jump, doesn't he?

Announcer Bill: Yes, most jumpers go for a streamlined look...Mr. Ablasta seems to have chosen a towel...fairly lumpy, actually...

Announcer Tom: There is the signal, he's pushing off--

Announcer Bill: Almost looks like he has dynamite strapped to him...he---

* BOOM*

-Silence-

Announcer Tom: I don't think he is going to qualify, see, Bill, the point of the Ski-jump is for the ENTIRE body to go as far as possible, I don't think the judges will accept a finger or just a foot...

Announcer Bill: Do you suppose he was spooked by the cow bells?

Announcer Tom: I wonder what the rule books say about the legality of skiing on red snow...

Announcer Bill: Still, you have to admit that no one can quite liquify themselves in mid-air like the Taliban team. Remember their Pole-vaulter from two years ago? Or their bobsled team...

Announcer Tom: And the Zamboni operators were livid about the stains on the ice!

Hmmm...makes for an interesting story, but I hope the Olympics this coming year are safe for all involved. It seems terrorists make everything just a little harder for all of us.

OK, moving on. We had snow here this morning. I took the wife to work and then took the car in to get the snow tires put on...I'd planned to do it today anyway, before it snowed...though it made me look like a last minute tire changer. I suggested it to Cora back in November, but neither of us has had much time since...

I am feeling a little better, but this demonic cold thing continues to hold on and try to squeeze the life from me...I'll make it, though.

1 comment:

Cora said...

you do make me laugh, I think you are special the Nigerians hardly ever contact me.