Friday, November 6, 2009

I'm Only a Violent Person When I Drive.

One of my pet peeves is people who go UNDER the speed limit. I am not talking about people who are confused about where they are going, I am talking about people who think they know what they are doing and simply cannot drive. The ones who look at you like you are such an ASSHOLE when you pass them, when THEY are the ones with a mile long line of cars waiting to get the heck around them!

I have found myself wishing for missiles, or machine guns, or laser canons, or phase weapons, or tractor beams to clear my way of the idiots that seem to crowd the road. For those of you who have met me, I am sure you might find this difficult to believe, since I am usually a very friendly and amiable individual in person. However, if you put me behind the wheel, I am a madman! For example, take my reaction to parking situations.

I also hate people who park in the wrong place. And by Wrong Place I mean where I want or need to park. I am not EVEN talking about the grocery store...I don't care about that. I am talking about in front of my damned house! I have exactly 50 feet to park two 20 foot long(roughly) vehicles . Oh, and let's not EVEN begin to mention what it looks like if I have company at my house! One neighbor is in the same fix, so I bear him no grudge. The other has a whole corner! The visitors to that neighbor always seem want to park in my tiny spot! Never mind that there is another 200 feet of parking space that wraps around the corner. I got home today and someone was completely in the spot where I usually park my truck. I know it seems petty, but, seriously, it is more than irritating, it can be a major inconvenience. Still, because I want to live in harmony with my neighbors, I have yet to say anything.

Oh, and I hate traffic. Can't everyone see that I (That's a capital ME) want to be somewhere? I am a very important person, dammit. MY time means something to me!

So, I decided to go somewhere this afternoon and the moment I turned the corner, thereby shutting off a few choices in navigation, I got stuck behind someone who should not be behind the wheel. I am not saying they were a hazard, weaving in and out of traffic, but it was the kind of person who is so timid that they let everyone at the stop sign go before them. They look both ways 26 times before they are certain it is safe to continue. So, she was traveling down the lane at a good 23 mph. I was kind of in a hurry. Don't know why, just was. So, I am a brilliant navigator and planner of routes. I decided that at 32 mph (which is what I figure she would travel on a road with a 35 mph speed limit) she would not have a chance of beating me if I took a slightly longer route at roughly mach 2. At the end of the road, she went left and I went right. I slipped the truck into afterburner and reached the next intersection by the time she had completed her turn and was beginning to speed up to 32.

I checked my vicinity to see that I was clear for a high speed turn. I completed my turn getting ready to really open up the throttle and realized... there was a cop in front of me... about a quarter of a mile away traveling in the same direction. Crap! I reduced my speed to roughly the speed limit and followed along, hating the cop for his presence every moment! I got to a place where I could see my destination and that it was closed for the day and that I was just too late. I decided to turn back home. So, I pulled up next to the damned cop, smiled cheerfully and waved. He was turning right, I went left...I only had to wait for the damned slow-lady to go by at 32 mph...yeah, this was a good trip...NOT!

I got home and parked behind the neighbors' stupid car, leaving 3 inches between our bumpers. I decided I could do what I needed to do at home. I proceeded to the back yard. I got my table saw going and a couple pieces of wood and a drill.

My beloved Laptop, old and frail as it is, continues to get more and more frail. The latest issue has been a terrible habit of the screen to just start flopping. I need something to stabilize it. This stupid thing will not stay open, or if it does, it wants to open all the way...thereby making it difficult to read the screen and type. I figured out the fix!
Notice the wonderful groove I put in the wood!
I think it is a wonderful thing!
What do you think? Pretty, huh?


Grandma L said...

You are so clever with that new invention. Some day you're going to invent the perfect mouse trap or something and become a millionaire.

Cora said...

wow that is impressive, hey if it saves me $500 I am all for it.

Gaertners 'R Us said...

I saw Phia in some of those pics!!