Thursday, September 17, 2009

Rabid Closet Mamba Attacks Teacher!

So, yesterday, I was getting ready for work. I was all ready, just had to pull up my britches and that's when I straightened up...and died. Well, I really just burst into an intensely burning ball of pure pain. Oxygen left the room and my lungs cried in vain. My spine cracked and my innards cringed. An anguished yell escaped my lips a microsecond before all my airways stopped functioning. I fell back on the bed twitching like a freshly caught fish that no one has had the chance to conk on the head. I finally managed to roll over on my stomach, where I suddenly noticed that flames were no longer coursing through my lungs.

Cora, my beloved wife, saw the whole thing. She can describe how the rabid mamba snake came out of the closet wrapped itself round me and bit me on my ribcage. It squeezed me really hard, and looked at Cora and smiled before it fled through the window. It was an awful site, she may need counselling.

We decided to lie to everyone, so the population doesn't get up in arms and there aren't any riots in the streets against the new found Rabid/Closet Mamba Snakes to take the government's attention off more important matters. Besides, even though I missed a day of work, I lived.

The following is our cover story: I pulled up my pants and threw out my back. I finally found a position in which I could breathe without fullfledged stabbing pain, and then crawled into the livingroom in a strange hunched waddle, where I called the chiropractor. Cora was calling her work to tell them she would be late. I went to the chiropractor and felt considerably better.

The result was I stayed home and did nothing but apply ice, heat, and stretch. I also looked for pain relievers and stuff...which I found, though in far from copious supply. I managed to combat the pain and lie very still. Overall, it was a day of extreme pain. I did, however, survive.

Tomorrow I go out hunting for that damned Mamba!

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