Thursday, March 1, 2012

Presidential Campaign

I am already tired of it.  You would think that a history teacher would love politics.  I suppose most of them do.  Not me.  I never touch the stuff.  I am particularly miffed at the Republican Party tonight.  One of their computers called me.  It called two hours ago during dinner and I hung up on it.  Then it called just after we got Chloe to bed.

I have no wish to go through that complicated bedtime routine again.  If you are interested in our routine, I shall enlighten you.

1.  Sometime about fifteen minutes before dinner, one of us announces we wish it were bedtime.
2.  During dinner, one of us suggests bedtime should come early, usually after food leaves the plate without the benefit of a proper destination.
3.  After dinner we wind down and Chloe plays.  Often she asks for assistance with Legos or some other toy.
4.  She requests "Videos" at least 500 times during the night.
5.  She requests "Hot Milk" at least 300 times.
6. She requests a bath and
     A) gets it.
              1) Spends five to ten minutes removing her clothes.
              2) Stands at the bathroom door asking for bath until someone breaks
              3) Spends 20 to 30 minutes splashing and drowning toys.
              4) Waits until the water is somewhere below freezing before she willingly departs the tub.
     B) doesn't get it. and whines about it.
7. We call for bed time.
8. One of us heads toward her bedroom while the other makes her "Hot Milk."
9. She heads down the hall.
10. She heads back up the hall to find her Lovie.
11. She heads down the hall.
12. She heads up the hall for some stuffed animal.
13. She heads down the hall for a story before bed.
14. Change her into a Night Time diaper.
15. She picks out a book, or spends so much time deciding that one of us decides for her.
16. "Hot Milk" arrives and is slung in a fashion that looks lazy and unmanageable, but she handles it well.
17. She reads a different book than the one she hands you.
18. She tries to turn the pages before you have read the text.
19. Forgets milk and rearranges herself in your lap 5,000 times while you read to her.
20. Books over, and milk finished, she makes a ploy to have her teeth brushed.
21. We fight over who does it.
22. Loser helps her brush teeth.
23. Back in room she turns out big lights and turns on night lights.
24. she turns on light she just turns off.
25. parent threatens her to make her turn off light again, and then whisks her away before she can turn it on again.
26. She turns on music CD.
27. We ask what song she wants to hear us sing.
28. She requests something we don't know.  (Ah po po, Ah no no, or Bump-bump-bump)
29. We sing her the song we want to sing.
30. she cries "No Daddy!" or "No Mommy" appropriately until we stop singing for her to re-request her secret song.
31. We get her to change her request to something we understand.
32. We sing that to her.
33. Continue songs with similar success until one parent tires.
34. Put her into crib.
35. She fusses and cries, but we reassure her.
36. She finally lays down.
37. We offer to cover her, she declines.
38. We kiss her through the bars.
39. We hug her through the bars.
40. We kiss her through the bars again and repeat the hug kiss process until one parent goes insane.
41. We leave.
42. We come back to cover a stuffed animal. (usually just one parent)
43. Parent leaves.
44. Parent returns to kiss animal and then reapply good night kisses to Chloe, too, since first ones have by now worn off.
45. Say good night and sneak out.
46. Await further flare ups.
47. Repeat 38-41 as necessary.
48. Fall into bed exhausted.
49. Arise at any time during the night to the words "AAAGH-ARRRRR-Wahhhh!!!"
50. Repeat.

So, the Republican party called and promised me it would be a short call.  They asked if I would be attending their caucus on Saturday.  I pushed the appropriate number for HELL NO!  Then they asked which republican candidate I would vote for.  They gave four numbers and four candidates.  They did not give a fifth option of "Shove this stinking survey up your..." nor did they give me an option of telling them where exactly they could stuff their caucus.  I hung up, irritated, and disliking politicians more than ever.

NEVER WAKE UP A PERSON'S KID!  That is the best way to make a person hate you forever.


SpunkyBookworm said...

Hope you get a good night's sleep! Sorry that happened.

jade said...

Oh, this was so funny, I couldn't read it in one go, I had too many laughing tears running across my cheeks and blurring my sight!
Imagine this though: we have two of them...
Big hug and good night!

Oh and because of the illegible double word thingy for the comments I will add my comment to the zoo post here too: the photo's you made there are AMAZING! I must be honest, I prefer your animals to any barns (but Chloe still beats any other subject of course).

Have a good week (mine is starting soon)!