Movie Madness

What is it about me?  Do I have a tattoo on my head that says "ATTENTION: Freaks Gather Near!" ?  Really!  It isn't fair.

Cora and I went and saw a movie tonight.  We decided to go watch "Alice In Wonderland."  It began well enough.  We got a large popcorn and some drinks and sat down awaiting the movie.  We were about 40 minutes early, but we had the theater to ourselves.  It was a nice way to spend some time with my wife...that is, in the dark.  I decided to get up and return to the lobby.

When I came back I followed four 6-8 year old boys into our theater.  Ah, well.  The Silence could not last forever.  A couple minutes later their mother/chaperon came in and declared that she would not let a group of eight year olds sit by themselves.  Cora and I chuckled.

The theater began to fill up quickly.  There were many kids, since this is a PG movie.  It was fixing to be a good evening!  Then I noticed that the row next to me was bare of people.  I thought it would be nice if no one sat there.  I fully expected some kids to walk in, but that is ok.  As you may recall, I had bad luck with the person who sat next to me at the theater the last time.

It was only a couple minutes before the movie was to start and this tall gangly guy came rushing along our row from the wrong end.  He didn't even say excuse me.  He carried the slight smell of old tobacco and, in the dim light, I could make out, or perhaps I imagined, a sparse mustache (the kind I grew in eleventh grade), short cropped hair and the unmistakable gate of someone who lives in "the 'hood" and has gang members for friends.  He continued on, though, and sat at the last seat, looking just a bit too awake for that time of day.  I thought, "Wow! I have been spared!"  Then his girlfriend came in.  She sat beside him and though neither of them showed great grooming habits, I decided it would be ok for them to be there.

It was then that his ...buddy came in.  His buddy was similarly tall, but also had great girth.  He had a shaved head and wore his sunglasses on his forehead, as though he may use them in a moment.  He had a mustache, the kind you see on convicts these days.  I heard his friend say there were four seats.  I thought, cool, he will sit next to his buddy and I will still have a three seat buffer.

Not a chance in hell.  He walked straight over and parked his bulk in the chair next to mine.  Apart from his strangely high pitched voice, I was surprised by the smell of urinal cake.  He began this all by being strangely loud, too.


So, he sat down and he was somewhat larger than the seat and his arms were crossed to keep from bumping me.  There are at least three seats between him and his buddy.  He's right smack up against me.  Cora, bless her heart, offered to move down one space.  I accepted her offer.  We moved down, I explained, so as not to piss him off, that at least we would not have to bump elbows.  And just in time too.  His girlfriend came in.

I am no police officer or medical examiner, but these people may have been on drugs.  I know that crack gives people a certain look.  These people had that look.  Also, when I got up to move, I saw a large variety of tatoos on this man.  One large TEAR on his eye made me suspect he may have had his share of prison time.

The movie started just as his girlfriend came in...with nachos.  He then began eating as though this was his first meal in months.  Loudly and with a great amount of moaning and num-num-numming.  I over heard some coarse language and it did not get better.  The opening scene of the movie showed Alice in her bed.  He, dumbly, asked, "Is that Alice?"

For the entire movie it was either coarse, rude language (Offensive to me and no doubt the rest of the crowd), and loud speaking.  Several people SHUSHED him and his girlfriend.  She, at one point, was on her cell phone speaking loudly!  We shushed her again.  Did I mention he looked like he might be carrying a weapon?  I chanced a side-long glance at him and his girlfriend, and noticed he was holding his cell phone up to his face, apparently having difficulty reading a text message.  A few seconds later, he tensed and started to get up and then sat down and seemed very angry.  His voice said as much, but with far more F-words than I hoped would be used around so many kids.  I thought, perhaps I had shushed him and his girl one too many times.  He calmed down, though.

But, finally, he got up and his girlfriend followed.

He said to his friend, in his high-growling voice, "I'll be waiting outside for you."

I thought I was being paranoid when Cora and I walked out after the movie, and I kept watching for this guy. I just knew he was going to jump out and stab me for looking at him too many times and shushing him.  We made a direct route to the car.  I was glad i'd parked close to the front.

When we got in the car, Cora mentioned that she thought maybe he'd be waiting for us, since she had shushed him, too.  At least we are BOTH paranoid together.

At least I THOUGHT it was paranoia...until we got home and heard about some L.A. man that had been stabbed WITH A MEAT THERMOMETER for shushing a lady in a theater who was talking on her cell phone during the movie.  Maybe we should consider renting DVDs.

I cannot believe the way some people act in the theater.  What happened to manners and mores?  I was NOT comfortable sitting near that man, wondering just exactly when he was going to come unhinged and start stabbing, or perhaps shooting people with his weapon of indeterminable nature.  How unpleasant.