I'm Only a Violent Person When I Drive.

One of my pet peeves is people who go UNDER the speed limit. I am not talking about people who are confused about where they are going, I am talking about people who think they know what they are doing and simply cannot drive. The ones who look at you like you are such an ASSHOLE when you pass them, when THEY are the ones with a mile long line of cars waiting to get the heck around them!

I have found myself wishing for missiles, or machine guns, or laser canons, or phase weapons, or tractor beams to clear my way of the idiots that seem to crowd the road. For those of you who have met me, I am sure you might find this difficult to believe, since I am usually a very friendly and amiable individual in person. However, if you put me behind the wheel, I am a madman! For example, take my reaction to parking situations.

I also hate people who park in the wrong place. And by Wrong Place I mean where I want or need to park. I am not EVEN talking about the grocery store...I don't care about that. I am talking about in front of my damned house! I have exactly 50 feet to park two 20 foot long(roughly) vehicles . Oh, and let's not EVEN begin to mention what it looks like if I have company at my house! One neighbor is in the same fix, so I bear him no grudge. The other has a whole corner! The visitors to that neighbor always seem want to park in my tiny spot! Never mind that there is another 200 feet of parking space that wraps around the corner. I got home today and someone was completely in the spot where I usually park my truck. I know it seems petty, but, seriously, it is more than irritating, it can be a major inconvenience. Still, because I want to live in harmony with my neighbors, I have yet to say anything.

Oh, and I hate traffic. Can't everyone see that I (That's a capital ME) want to be somewhere? I am a very important person, dammit. MY time means something to me!

So, I decided to go somewhere this afternoon and the moment I turned the corner, thereby shutting off a few choices in navigation, I got stuck behind someone who should not be behind the wheel. I am not saying they were a hazard, weaving in and out of traffic, but it was the kind of person who is so timid that they let everyone at the stop sign go before them. They look both ways 26 times before they are certain it is safe to continue. So, she was traveling down the lane at a good 23 mph. I was kind of in a hurry. Don't know why, just was. So, I am a brilliant navigator and planner of routes. I decided that at 32 mph (which is what I figure she would travel on a road with a 35 mph speed limit) she would not have a chance of beating me if I took a slightly longer route at roughly mach 2. At the end of the road, she went left and I went right. I slipped the truck into afterburner and reached the next intersection by the time she had completed her turn and was beginning to speed up to 32.

I checked my vicinity to see that I was clear for a high speed turn. I completed my turn getting ready to really open up the throttle and realized... there was a cop in front of me... about a quarter of a mile away traveling in the same direction. Crap! I reduced my speed to roughly the speed limit and followed along, hating the cop for his presence every moment! I got to a place where I could see my destination and that it was closed for the day and that I was just too late. I decided to turn back home. So, I pulled up next to the damned cop, smiled cheerfully and waved. He was turning right, I went left...I only had to wait for the damned slow-lady to go by at 32 mph...yeah, this was a good trip...NOT!

I got home and parked behind the neighbors' stupid car, leaving 3 inches between our bumpers. I decided I could do what I needed to do at home. I proceeded to the back yard. I got my table saw going and a couple pieces of wood and a drill.

My beloved Laptop, old and frail as it is, continues to get more and more frail. The latest issue has been a terrible habit of the screen to just start flopping. I need something to stabilize it. This stupid thing will not stay open, or if it does, it wants to open all the way...thereby making it difficult to read the screen and type. I figured out the fix!

Notice the wonderful groove I put in the wood!

I think it is a wonderful thing!

What do you think? Pretty, huh?

Better Dilate Than Early

I like to drive. I loved getting my license. I would sit in my 1965 Plymouth Valiant for hours before I got my license. I did not enjoy working on it, but I liked sitting in it. When I finally got my license, I would leave for "drives." I would not go far, since for the first several months that I drove it there were holes in the gas tank at about the half-tank level. So, my range was, shall we say, limited. Still, I loved the freedom.

I lived in the Yakima Valley most of my life and so rarely had the opportunity to drive in large cities. When I did finally get the chance, I liked it. I love Seattle and I-5. When we moved to California, I loved I-80 in Sacramnto...seven lanes! And speeds were often 15 or 20 miles an hour over the limit...just to keep up with traffic. I would not call myself an aggressive driver, more of an assertive driver. Cora might sometimes simply shorten that description to the first three letters; actually, I think she has.

She also might say I have road rage issues. I disagree. I sometimes have problems with other drivers. It is hardly my fault that they don't drive fast enough or, conversely, they don't drive slow enough. They take corners wrong. They drive straight in just the wong way. They often don't accelerate fast enough, and some of them even have the nerve to tailgate me! So, yes, sometimes, rarely, really, I might possibly utter the odd four letter word under my breath, but I would never yell or make disparaging remarks about the other drivers' heritage.

I have driven in snow since I began driving. I have had my share of twirls, pirouettes, and other less ballerina-like maneuvers in the snow, but I feel I am fairly good at it. Especially when I am in my truck, even though I don't have snow tires or sand in the back. It will do amazing things with the flick of the wheel. I managed a 360 degee turn today in a circle of about 30 feet. Snap the wheel hard over and jam on the accelerator...perfect. Fun, too. Same maneuver can make parking a beautiful thing, too.

My truck, as I mentioned, hasn't got snow tires, nor is it a 4x4. I usually drive accordingly. I have a good idea of how long it will take to slow down or stop, since I test it every once in a while. I have made it through many winters with just a 2 wheel drive. I have seen many 4x4s in the ditch while I drove by smiling.

Today, I saw an idiot driving one of those 4x4s. It didn't dawn on me why he was an idiot for awhile. I just knew he was an idiot. Finally I had it. He kept tapping his brakes. But why? He was following another car way too close and every 7 or 8 seconds would tap his brakes. I followed him from a constant distance...and still, never tapped my brakes...just take your foot off the accelerator, stupid jerk! I would have flipped him the bird but (a) it was dark...and (b) I would have probably gotten frost bite if I'd rolled the window down. So, I want to take advantage of my doubtless wide readership to share my season's greetings to that meat head: Person in that white F-250 that I followed tonight, you are an ASS. HO HO HO. La La La Laaaaa.

OK, now that I got that out of my system I feel better. Maybe even a bit more cheery!

I had an eye appointment today. My optometrist told me, quite as though he were discussing the weather, that the perscription in the eye that I got poked in is extremely strong. I looked at him expectantly. He did not disappoint. He said my perscription is in the top 3%...or, as he explained, only 3% of the population has perscriptions stronger than mine. Hmmm, that is interesting...if a little bothersome.

Then he changed the subject and said he wanted to dilate my eye, which is not to say that my eye will live longer than me, but rather that he would put some drops in my eye to make my pupil open WAY too much for normal vision. Yippee, now can I have a tooth removed, too? Well, the verdict was positive. I am just going to get another set of contacts for the same perscription.

Come to think of it, the dilated eyes might be why I was so angered at the idiot in the F-250 flashing me every 7 seconds with his too bright tail lights. I arrived home with a headache. Ahhh, this is the life.

I Am An Awesome Dodgeball Player!

I mean it. I totally kicked ass. I was catching the balls, and I was taking the opposing team out like pathetic little bowling pins. You should have seen some of them just tip over! Ahh, it was spectacular! I could totally go to a national competition.

I taught PE today. At one of the elementaries. I taught Kindergarten through Third grade today. Mostly they took care of themselves when I told them what to do.

About 1:00 pm, I was asked to take care of two classes at once, since the PE teacher had gotten it easy during the week when the classes went to practice their Christmas Carols for the Assembly with the Music Teacher. There were really too many kids to do what we had been doing, so I decided dodgeball was called for. I have a very bad habit of joining them when there is dodgeball in the offing.

So, one of the classes was full of second graders, the other was third graders. We had class vs. class, but the girls really wanted to kick the boys' butt. So, when I suggested that, they all screamed, "YEAH!!!!!" I said ok, and let them go at it. All this time I was aching to get in on the action. There was some cheating on both sides...but the girls were not catching very many balls, so fewer of them were returning to the game. I decided I should help. I picked up a few balls and entered the game, yelling to tell everyone. This brought cheers from both sides.

My volleys slammed into boys!! A couple were knocked over in slow motion, complete with the sound effects. I knocked one of the opposing team's bowling pins over (knock 'em all over and the game is done). I decided to bring some more girls into the action and reached out to catch a ball...and it bounced off my fingers. DAMN.

It didn't take long for me to figure out another way into the game. I finally got warmed up and was catching balls and knocking out players. Then the girls' last pin got knocked over. So, we decided another game was in order. At the beginning of that one, one of my balls knocked down two kids! HA!! I ROCK!! As long as the opposing team is made up of second and third graders. I could totlly win nationals single handedly!! In the Third grade level.

All in all, it was a good day...except the beginning did make it look like it would be. Just as I was leaving town I turned onto the hi-way, there were no cars coming either direction, and it was at that moment that I witnessed the front of my truck turn right into my lane...and keep going. I calmly let off the gas and turned the wheel appropriately and tapped the brakes. The truck stopped and I gently edged back onto the road. There were no other problems. still, I began to wish I had packed another pair of pants.

This is not really my truck, this is only a picture. If this had really been my truck, it would have been accompanied with sobs and cries of anguish.

I just found this and thought I should place it here for safe keeping!

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